Who put that Mix Tape in my head???

Last night was another sleepless night, and I was reflecting on what was making me so anxious.  I should be sleeping like a baby . . . I graduated with a major degree, we're finished with the holidays, and things at work are not stressful.  So, what could possibly be keeping me awake?  The tape.  The mix tape.  I've talked about it before, and Sean Anderson blog readers know - we have a mix tape in our head that plays all sorts of things in our brain.  I have previously committed to trying to change my mix tape to more positive messages.  Well, somebody changed that tape when I wasn't looking!

To my amazement, I realized I hadn't said one nice thing to myself in months.  I hadn't patted myself on the back for graduation, instead I focused on the 'cow in the graduation gown.'  I have been meaner to myself than I would allow any person around me to be.  I have been barraging myself with nastiness and hurtful messages!!!  'Why aren't you going to work out?' . . . 'You're too fat to work out; it won't make a difference; your skin looks awful; what is up with your hair these days?'  You name it, and I have said it to myself. 

I said it to myself.  I did this to myself.  So, if I did it, I can undo it, right?  In theory, that would be true.  In practice, I know it's not that easy to just 'stop' beating yourself up.  It's hard to suddenly try to like yourself.  I'm not sure where to start, but I am sure that self-awareness has to be a first step.  So, tonight I will commit to focusing on sleep rather than how overweight I am.  I will go to the dreaded gym one time this week, and will try very hard not to beat myself up mentally the entire time I'm there.  I'm smarter than this.  I can do this.  Step one begins again.

If you are walking this road, I'm always interested in your story.  Make it a great day.