I'm still here!

So, how have I done with my eating habits?  Um . . . not great.  I won't say that I've totally fallen off the wagon, but the wagon does seem to be dragging me by my shoe laces on some days. ;-)

The biggest challenge has been that I have had a nasty sinus infection, and have not felt like cooking (and we've been out of town) - so we've eaten out quite a bit.  What are some of your 'go-to' meals that you can pull out of the freezer or with minimal pantry supplies?  I would love some inspiration!

I hope to check back in soon.  If not, check on me. :-)  Merry Christmas!

Runnin on Empty

I'm sorry I haven't posted for a while. Time sure does get away from you quickly! Things have been hectic, but moving in the right direction . . . personally anyway. My food choices have certainly slipped. Today, as I struggle with a sore throat, it's a regular reminder to me that I have not been drinking enough water - and that I could have been making better food choices recently. I don't think I've had total 'throw away' days from start to finish, but I wouldn't hold any of them up as stellar.

But, that's part of this journey we're on. We fall, we get up. We learn. I am not accepting any of my food choices as an open door to go back to my old habits. I jump back in and make good choices. Speaking of good choices, I'm looking for something to soothe this scratchy throat. Anyone have any good remedies?

Make it a great day.

Two Posts in One Day! Putting it Out there . . .

Kenz issued a challenge for bloggers to be honest about some of their weight loss issues.  I've been struggling with being honest with myself for the last couple of weeks, so I'm jumping on this excercise.  If you have a blog, please join in and answer, and list your address in the comments so I can follow up with you too!  If you don't have a blog, please answer as many of these in comments as you can.

1. What was your highest weight, what do you weigh right now and what is your goal weight?

My highest recorded weight was 269.  I have gotten as low as 195 in my most recent journies, but I'm coming back down from 225 right now.  I'm somewhere near 210.  My FIRST goal weight is 180.  If you've been reading my blog a while, you know that I want to give myself enough cushion to not rebound right back up over 200.  For some reason, getting near 200 makes me sabotage myself.  My overall goal is 140.

2. What is your #1 motivation for losing weight?
My #1 motivation is to lose weight so I will be fit around my children, and be able to enjoy their activities with them.  I don't want to be the 'fat mommy' in the group.
3. Have you always been overweight?
Hmm.  That's a good question.  I was 'told' I was overweight . . . even sent to a 'fat doctor' . . . in high school, when I went from a size 8 to a size 10 (wouldn't you kill for THAT size now?), but looking at pictures, I was very healthy then.  I would say I really started taking off in college - so well over 20 years.

4. When you want to give up what inspires you to keep going?
Being accountable to my children.  I might make a poor choice for a meal, but I'm determined to not let it become a downward spiral and become my life again.

5. What is the #1 thing you look forward to when you hit your goal weight?
Going to a store and actually wanting to shop for clothes.

6. Do you have support on your weight loss journey?
Absolutely.  My husband is very supportive.

7. What is your favorite exercise?
Ugh.  I can't say I have one; however, I really do enjoy doing my tapes . . . Yoga Booty Ballet, Zumba, etc.  I don't mind the elliptical at the gym, but the classes make me feel more 'womanly'.  Odd, I know.
8. What is the most important thing you have learned on your weight loss journey?
I have learned that I have not been honest with myself about what I really eat, I have learned that I do not have good self esteem or body image, and I have learned that I am entirely too hard on myself.

9. What is one thing you have given up that you miss the most?
I gave up that size 10 a long time ago . . . I miss that the most.  :-)  Regarding food, I have not given anything up, and I intend to keep it that way.  My previous attempts have always failed because I get obsessed with what I 'can't' have.  I'm not doing that to myself again.
10. What is your strategy for losing weight
My strategy is to stay on track, take it one day at a time, and try to stay accountable to myself.  I am worth this.  I am worth being healthy.

Stress, Stress, Stress!

I know it's natural to feel stressed at some times, but lately I've had an extra large dose. I won't pretend to have made great choices every day; however, I have made good choices most days - which a huge step in the right direction. The scale is not jumping down (it might be the same, or a pound up) over the last three weeks, but at this point I'm just trying to maintain an equilibrium.


This is the point where I argue with myself. I know that if I exercised more, it would raise endorphins, help me feel stronger, and give me motivation to push through this. And then I argue, in a very grown up voice, 'But I don't wanna! (whine)'

How do you push yourself to get out there when you don't want to, to find time when there is none, to put yourself on the top of a 25 page list??? If anyone has tips for what has worked for you, I'm game.

Make it a great day.

Happy Girl

Turns out that there is a scientific reason that I might appear more happy than some other people. According to an article by AOL (not the bastion of scholarly research, admittedly), there are key roadblocks to your happiness. The roadblocks are Expecting the worst all the time, Passing the buck, Thinking life should be perfect,  Not thinking of others, and Expecting life to be fair. Lucky for me, I don't really have those qualities. I am an overall happy or cheerful person most of the time.

Don't get me wrong - I can be a grump! But my overall outlook on life, and how I treat people, is pretty rosy. I wouldn't change even the bad things I've been through, as they've made me a very strong woman.

So, I am overall pretty happy . . . I just want to be healthier. Does being happy help you get healthier? I don't think Santa would say so (should I say so, so , so?). Today it's ok though. I'll use my rosy outlook to know that I'm on the right road, as are you, friends. We'll do it together!

Make it a great day.

The not-much-to-say post

Ever have one of those days where you feel like saying something, but know you really have nothing to say? That's where I am today. I had a fantastic weekend . . . too good, food wise. My mother took me to a lovely French restaurant last night to celebrate my birthday (translation . . . French = calories). We also went to a Nebraska watch party and I overdid on the yummo nibbles. So, what am I to do with my week this week?

I'm not looking back. As I have done with this new journey in the past . . . I will not beat myself up, even if the scale goes up a smidge this week. I begin with each meal and move forward. I make good choices. I deserve good choices.

So, how about you? How was your weekend, and your choices? If you're still on your journey with me, I always love to hear from you. Email me or post a comment below.

Make it a great day.

Birthday Wishes

So, yesterday was my birthday. Don't worry, you didn't have to get me anything (family excluded). ;-) If you're wondering, I turned 39 for the first time. Time will tell if I decide to turn 39 again next year, or if I jump into my 5th decade (man, that sounds a LOT worse than 40s!) with my husband. ;-)

So, on my birthday, I like to reflect on my blessings (which are numerous) and my wishes (much less numerous - the way it should be). I have so much more than I could have ever dreamed. Yes, I want future financial security for my family. Yes, I want to be a better person . . . but, really, my wish is to be healthier. I don't mean just because I exercise (4-letter word). I mean, I want to be healthier all over. I want to choose healthier food consistently because I want to, not because I have to. I want to want to exercise. That is my wish. To be healthier. To want to be healthier.

What are some of your birthday rituals or wishes? Do they depend on others to make them come true, or just you? Interested in your thoughts.

Make it a great day.

FMM - Frends-Making-Monday

Hosted by blogger Kenz, here are my Monday questions to help you get to know me better! If you would like to participate, please leave the address of your blog in the comments, and I'll check yours out as well.

1) If you could magically change one thing about your body, what would it be? To shrink back to my natural hour-glass shape rather than my current several-days shape.


2) What is your best physical feature? My lips. Accentuate what you have!


3) Do you weigh yourself daily? Hourly? Weekly? Bi-weekly? Never? Weekly for sure. Sometimes more often. It just depends on how 'off' or 'on' I feel that week.


4) Do you workout regularly? If so, how does if affect you from day to day? Ugh. No. My biggest nemesis! I do not work out regularly at all. I know that when I work out I feel so awesome! I just let life and schedules give me an excuse to ignore it.


5) What is the healthiest thing you do for yourself on a regular basis? I drink lots of water (oops - saying that as I realized I forgot my big water bottle today!), I eat whole grains and organic whenever possible, and I really don't indulge in junk foods that often. (By junk foods, I mean candy or fried food. I do still drink diet soda, and I have my skinny cow ice cream.)


6) If you could look like a celebrity, who would you choose to look like? With or without makeup? ;-) I really don't look at celebrities and think of them in any sort of 'human' way. I've always been ok with who I am, although I would like less of who I am sometimes.


7) What do you do to make yourself feel pretty/handsome? I line my lips . . . take time with my mascara . . . I know it should be something exciting like pampering myself, doing a mani/pedi, etc. Ok, I like those too, but I was thinking more on a daily basis.



8) What are you most attracted to in the opposite sex? Brains!!! I love a man who challenges me to think about the world in new ways, and who is witty and wise. I am blessed to say that I have that in my wonderful husband, who is a darned handsome catch to boot!!!


9) Have you ever avoided situations because you didn't want people to see your body shape? Hello! I live in Florida!!! Beach/swimming avoidance is my middle name. Yes, avoid always. Other than also being one of the whitest people on the planet, body shape hasn't helped. Buying close is also not a favorite, but better now that I'm not in plus sizes anymore.


10) How do you feel about your overall appearance? I think I have a cheerful disposition, which conveys to a pretty cheerful appearance. I'm always self-conscious about my shape, clothes, and weight, but have tried to tell myself that others aren't evaluating me as much as I am. You're not, right? ;-)

Whether or not you have a blog, I'm interested in your answers! Please respond to the same 10 questions in your blog or in the comments. Let's get to know each other!

Make it a great day.

Dose of reality

The day had to come. My husband bought a new scale. The old subjective scale is still in my bathroom - but lately it has been so subjective that even I know it's on the fritz (170? Yeah right . . . wishing). So, today I went downstairs to the garage (the only floor where there is no tile, and an absolutely flat surface) and did the deed. It wasn't what I had hoped, but I also wasn't surprised.

I'm still 56 pounds down from my heaviest, and I'm at least 13 down from mid-July. I know I'm not going up, as my clothes indicate . . . but I'm not going down quickly. I'm ok with that for now. I know that exercise would help jump start this journey, I'm just struggling to find the time. Yes, I could do it at 5am - but then no one would want to be around the grumpy me who gave up precious sleep to exercise. I will find a way to make this work.

I've 'fit' good food choices into my life. Exercise just has to be part of that. (By the way, I am still taking the stairs every morning.) I just re-read that first sentence in the paragraph . . . wait? I fit it in? Hmm. That's an issue. I should fit in good choices, should I? They should just 'be'. Maybe that's an issue for reflection . . . So, I hope you are better at 'being' with your choices than I am with currently 'fitting' mine in. Share your triumphs here. We want to celebrate with you!

Make it a great day.

Throw off all that burdens you

Today I read a blog by Jennifer (jenbythesea); she had read a devotional that charged us to throw off all that burdens us so that we can run the race. Those are thoughts for reflection. What burdens me? What has previously prevented me from being successful at long-term weight loss and weight maintenance?

I'm not going to pull out that old mix tape (see previous posts) telling myself I'm too lazy, too whatever . . . there must be something else. I think it is fear. I'm not sure what I'm afraid of - being healthy and looking good sounds pretty great. But, when I think about that new me, my stomach flips like with fear. Am I afraid I can't maintain it? I'm not sure. I will just have to take the Scarlett O'Hara approach to this issue and 'think about it tomorrow.' If I focus on the fear today it will paralyze my journey, and I will not give it that much control.

I am remaining focused on my daily weight loss journey; making good food choices at each meal, and not focusing on how long it will take or where others are in their journey (although I will rejoice with you and your successes!). That is my peace. That already feels like some burden is coming off.

I joked with Jennifer that if I threw off all that burdens me I might be so light I could float. Wouldn't that be nice? What kinds of thing can you throw off today to lighten your load?

Make it a great day.

The small victories

This weekend was a whirlwind! My 8-year old played in his first football game, and the 4-year old is now a 5-year old . . . festivities all weekend! My in-laws also celebrated their anniversary. So, let me just disclose right out that I could have made some better food choices throughout the weekend. BUT... here is my victory ...

In the past, if I have found myself making poor choices, I let that 'oh well, I've already blown the day (or weekend)' mentality slip in. I was able to compartmentalize and make choices about where I was willing to make poor calorie choices. Case in point - yesterday we had my son's birthday party. He had demanded we all eat breakfast for dinner, so I was planning for some extra calories at dinner (breakfast - you get the point). For my lunch, we went out to eat (he wanted breakfast for all THREE meals of the day). I ordered egg whites on a bagel. Hello? Me? Yep.

I knew I was going to have more calories at dinner, and I purposefully made good choices for lunch (I hadn't had breakfast, because I never eat before I sing on Sundays). Yay for me!

Upon reflection, that simple meal choice proved to me that I am in control of this journey. I choose each meal. If I make a poor choice for one meal, that doesn't mean that everything is lost. The very next meal is the next opportunity to make a good choice.

Yay for choices. Yay me. I'm on the right path. Make it a great day.

Count your blessings instead of sheep . . .

I haven't slept well in over a week. Various members of the household have been coughing all night long, I've had dissertation discussions and revisions on my mind, it's the beginning of a new semester, and I've just been generally unable to turn off my mind. Other than dragging to get out of bed, I've done pretty well (ok, my exercise commitment has really suffered). Let me rephrase that - my food choices have gone well. I haven't had a stuff-my-face smorgasbord event that I've normally had 6-8 weeks into a new program. I feel good and am starting to see results (even with my subjective scale that shows a nearly 40 pound flux now - ok, probably time for a new one).

These sleepless nights also allow me to do one thing I love . . . count my blessings. I regularly pray for my family, and envision their safety and happiness every night - but I have had the opportunity to really evaluate my blessings. I have the most wonderfully supportive, handsome, funny husband - who is a fantastic father. I have two smart, handsome, and amazingly witty sons who love me. I could just go on and on (and I did last night, for hours!). I hope that you take the time regularly - if not each day - to give thanks for the good things in your life. Especially when it seems that you are overwhelmed with so many other challenges and life stresses, that is the time to stop and breathe - and count your blessings.

I love old movies, and I love hearing Bing Crosby sing, "If you have worries, and you can't sleep - just count your blessings instead of sheep. Then you'll go to sleep counting your blessings."

Many blessings to you. Make it a great day.

Handling Stress

This week I'm getting a lesson in how I handle stress. Overall, I would say I have not been that great at it; HOWEVER, I consider it a positive that I recognize the signals and am not giving in to the stress as much as usual. Let me just state up front - I didn't make my exercise goal this week. Bummer. Normally that would give me a great excuse to forget it next week. Not now. I will brush it aside and try again. Normally stress would let me make excuses for extreme overeating marathons - for several days. This week? Nope. Not one!!!

I haven't slept well, but overall I think I've handled this week well. I have taken a bath or had a glass of wine (and counted the calories) instead of feeding my face. I've tried to feed my soul rather than my mouth.

I am learning! So, lessons and small victories this week. Also, I put on the dreaded Mom Jeans today, and they are looking less lumpy. All lumps lost are good - like gravy. (Ok, probably a bad example . . . ). ;-)

I know Candy rocked the exercise challenge. If anyone else did, please comment or email me. For the rest of us, no worries. We have this next week!!!! I hope you have a great long weekend.

Make it a great day!

Today I'm a grump.

Do you ever have those days when you are just grumpy for no reason, and you're ok with that? That's me today. Nothing in particular happened - in fact I got some good news on my dissertation. I'm just being a grump today.

Maybe it's because I'm wearing a blouse that is just a shade too small (you know, the one that reveals that you didn't make the best undergarment choice to match your shirt) . . . maybe it's just the day. In any case, I find it sort of liberating to be a grump sometimes. Don't worry, I don't take it out on anyone (that I know of). I try really hard to steer clear of everyone else on the days I'm like this . . .

I was going to take the elevator this morning (because of the aforementioned grump status), but I trudged up those stairs, knowing you would hold me accountable. Today I am going to work out. Grump or not. Maybe I'll do a Zumba video. Doing a latin dance video should perk me up - or make me laugh at my awkwardness. ;-) Either way, it's a date with me. When was your last date with you? How is your exercise coming along? What are you doing for you today?

Make it a great day.

Friend-Makin Monday . . . err, Tuesday

Kenz has posted a challenge so we can get to know each other a little better. If you have a blog, please post a comment here, or on Kenz's log, and let me know the address of your blog so I can get to know you better!

I like...daisies!!!  Every since my 4th birthday (a daisy birthday, complete with daisy plate, daisy cups, and a daisy dress), they have been my favorite.  They are so cheerful, and make me smile just thinking about them!

I don't like...people who don't keep their word.  Oh, or cucumbers (eek, don't kick me out of the Greek heritage club).

I love...God, my husband, my 2 boys, and my family. I am blessed beyond measure.  I love that I am married to my best friend.  I love to sing! I also love sending unexpected greeting cards to people to make them smile.  Wow, I listed a bunch here.  I'm a lover!

I dream of...winning the lottery and making a different existence for my family than has ever been experienced throughout our family history.  The little van must be getting lost on its way to my house.

I wonder...if people judge my appearance as much as I judge my own (and probably others').

I know...I am a very competent and bright professional, and a good professor.

I went...to another country for the first time when I was in college.  I went to Trinidad on a mission trip.  What an amazing experience, to see those who are less fortunate than you but who are so much more giving than any you've ever met.

I have...no sense of fashion.  I feel really proud of myself if I branch out to wear earrings that are not mixed silver and gold (because the mix matches everything).

I think...all the time!  My mind never, ever, turns off.  If I'm not thinking, I'm singing or humming.

I plan...to graduate with my PhD by the end of this year, committee-willing!

I regret...nothing.  What's the point?  All of those experiences made me who I am today.

I do...too much sometimes.  My wonderful husband reminds me gently.

I drink...too little water, and probably too much wine (on occasion).

I wish...happiness for all in my family.  I hate to see anyone go through hardships, and it breaks my heart when I see poor decisions lead to challenges for them.

I am...very friendly, although I have very, very few friends.  Once I am someone's friend, I am a friend for life.

I am not...good at saying no, but I am learning.

I need...to exercise more.  It's something I really can't stand, but I know it's really good for me.  I also need my family's love and support.  Always, and unconditionally.

I hope...to be the kind of mother my children always enjoy, and always be an excellent example for them.  I also hope to live my life and faith and integrity.

I want...to have the financial freedom to some day take my family on overseas vacations every year, to expose them to other countries and cultures.

I sometimes...feel awkward with small talk.  As outgoing as I am, I just don't know how to have chit chat with someone I don't care that much about (I know, how do you find out more about someone if you don't have chit chat?  Thus my cycle.)

I can...do anything I set my mind to, it's just the setting that is a challenge sometimes.

I work...in higher education, but miss working directly with students where I could make a bigger difference in their lives.

I cannot...imagine my life without my husband.  It is an understatement to say he's my rock and best friend.

I avoid...money issues and housework, although when I get motivated - watch out!

I will...remain committed to my weight loss journey.  For me, first and foremost.  But also for my family.  They deserve my best.  So do I.

The journey begins and continues

So, for the record, I did exercise yesterday. I SO did not want to work out. We nap on the weekends, and it felt so nice and comfortable in the bed. I had been wearing my workout clothes all day - taking the youngest to tennis lessons, picking out house paint, going to lunch . . . tres chic. I even took a nap in those clothes. I had left my socks on, thinking that if I kept them on it would motivate me to get moving when I got up. Then I kicked them off. I was about to give up.

But then, I did it!!! I got up, grabbed a different pair of sneakers (sans socks), and hauled my butt out to walk. My wonderful hubby went with me. I can't say I was a world-beater, but we did at least a mile. In 100 degree weather, that was pretty good. I was just excited that I did it!!!

So, I continue my calorie cutting journey, and begin the journey WITH exercise. Thank you for holding me accountable. I had you in mind as I was out there. I know this is critical to my success. This is a good journey.

Dinner tonight is probably going to be baked crispy chicken fingers done parmesan style (thanks to the Rocco DiSpirito cookbook - love it!). Yes, I think about food all day. I am a committed foodie, but I'm also committed to enjoy more and eat less.

Make it a great day.

I look good from the head up

Have you ever had those days where you look in the mirror and don't like what you see? I know, mirrors are as subjective as my scale . . . ;-) (see previous posts). Yesterday, I didn't like what I saw from the neck down. I looked so WIDE! Eeewww. So, yesterday, I was ok with the head-up view. Too bad all of my mirrors can't crop to that view. The side view is getting better (although I don't like that load-in-your-pants syndrome when you are not small enough to be in the next size, but smaller than the current size). The front view is just not my favorite.

I'm not sure why I lose weight from the top-down. My cheeks seem to show it first, and it's like I'm melting. Next is my arms and chest. The last thing to show it is my rear end and legs (where I want it first!). Why can't we lose weight like when you squeeze a balloon? You squeeze it smaller in the middle and you can make just the top bigger. That wouldn't be bad. Ok, I don't want the version where you squeeze it in the middle and both the top and bottom explode. I've had that version!

So, let's turn this into a positive . . . I like the head-up view. That has a ring. I like keeping my head up. That's what I'm doing on this journey. I'm keeping my head up - on the goal. I'm not wavering.

I've been having discussions with Candy on our commitment to exercising 3 days a week. We agree that the commitment word stinks, but I haven't come up with a new fun word yet . . . it's not like I could easily replace 'exercise' with 'eating a bowl of spaghetti' words and have it make any sense. So, beginning this weekend, we're on 3-a-weeks. Who's with us, and what are you gonna do?

Keep you 'head up', and make it a great day!

From Toos to Dos!

Did I take the stairs this morning? Why, yes, I did! As I was going up I was thinking I need to take a picture to show you how steep they are! These aren't typical stairs . . . they are the kind you're afraid to go down because they are so steep you have to lean over to see the next step - even if you can normally see your toes when you walk. ;-) So, I climbed the mini Everest this morning. My heart rate was up a bit, but not bad - no sweating (and it's a HOT stair well - no air!). They say it takes 7 times? 21 times to make something a habit? I'll get there.

I've been reflecting on Candy's comment . . . I need to get rid of the "toos" and focus on the "dos". She was saying how she always finds excuses for working out (too tired, too busy, etc.). That's a great saying, and one that I will try to work into my new mental mix tape (yes, still working on it . . . this is going to take a while, huh?). So, no more 'toos' - make it a do! So, I am DOing the stairs. What is my next do? Hmm. I already know tonight it will be pouring rain. Maybe I could go over to the gym or break out my Zumba CD and get my latin on. Anyone up for a challenge? That would help my motivation . . . maybe we could commit to exercise 3 days at first? I won't even count my stairs as exercise. ;-)

Let me know, and make it a great day!

Sick of sick

Have you ever noticed that when those around you are under the weather, you sometimes feel naturally sluggish too? Maybe it's just me. Both my eldest son and husband have been fighting some kind of plague-like cough for quite some time. This weekend, other than our previously scheduled church and game times, we really just laid around being lazy. I was so tired! I don't think I was fighting anything off, I was just happy to be lazy. But then, as with those who are really sick, you get tired of being tired and start to perk up.

That's where I am today. I am tired of being tired. I'm tired of this weird funk. I'm sick of them being sick (as are they), and I'm sick of my sympathy symptoms. That's not all. I feel the same way about my weight loss journey. I'm sick of apathy.

Yesterday I took the stairs. I'll have you know that I took them today too . . . twice! I went out for lunch unexpectedly, and I steered my boss towards the stairs before we got to the elevator. He didn't express confusion, but I could see it in his eyes. I've NEVER climbed those stairs with someone else to witness (ok, wait, we have had some fire alarms where everyone had to trudge together). In any case, not only did I conquer the stairs - I did it with a witness!

I noticed I was a little less out of breath. My pants were also a little looser today. I'm hoping my subjective scale follows suit soon. Maybe I'll even dust off my gym membership card (yes, I have one) and hit the elliptical this weekend. I really enjoy it when I go. Not sure why I haven't gone; it's literally across the street from my development. But we get what we give, right? I'm sick of being sick - apathetic - fat. Moving onward and forward. New mix tape installed. I deserve happiness, health, and a kickin body (Ok, I might tweak the wording . . . ;-) ) Yay me!

If anyone is out there and wants to comment, please feel free. Otherwise, I'll just keep rambling to myself!

Make it a great day.

Not avoiding the climb, & Stairs - zero, Me - 1 (Score that is)

Yes, I did it.  I took the stairs to my office this morning.  I wasn't going to . . . I could come up with several excuses why, I tried to tell myself as I walked into the building . . . but then I remembered I had put it in writing!  You all saw my promise!  I said I would, so I did.  Was I winded?  A little, but not as bad as I thought I would be.  I've always been better on the flat walks than the climbs, so I've avoided the climbs.  Hmm.  That was an 'ah ha' sentence.  I have been avoiding the climbs.  I have been avoiding the hard route.

What about you?  If you have been avoiding something - exercise or food related - or other, please feel free to share.  I can't be the only one avoiding the climb. ;-)  So, now I've conquered the measly 3 flights of stairs.  Tomorrow I will do it again.  Maybe I'll add some situps tonight.  Hmm.  We'll see.  Either way, I'm not avoiding the climb!

My breakfast was quick, but on target.  I love the new Fiber One muffins in the freezer section (although I've only been able to find them at SuperTarget so far).  Lunch was a Morning Star veggie burger (I NEVER thought I would have eaten one of those a couple of weeks ago, but Publix was doing a tasting) on a bagel thin (330 calories total), and a 65 calorie bag of Pirates Bootie.  I probably could have added a salad, but I just didn't feel like it.  Dinner tonight.  Not sure.  I've been in a comfort food mood, so maybe some pasta.

Today, I hope you decide to stop avoiding your climb, and join me one step at a time (ha!  literally!).

Make it a great day.

We get what we give . . .

Ok, Sean Anderson... way to bring it home. We get what we put into this journey. I have been putting fair effort (great, compared to previous weight loss journeys); however, exercise . . . has been none existent. I know that I only need to haul my fat butt outside to walk, or even to the TV to put in a workout tape. Ok, the fat comment probably wasn't good for my new mental mix-tape, but in this case it was true. Am I still losing weight? Yep, but not as much as I could be losing. Am I still committed? Yep, but I need to step it up. I need to get more.

I was reminded of what I regularly say to my boys . . . You get what you get, and you don't get upset. Although they get that saying after they have whined when they are faced with a plate of broccoli - that I would happily eat - I have been whining too. I have been internally whining that my weight loss hasn't been fast enough. Yes I'm more than 50 pounds down. But I can do better.

So, where do I start? Let's say it will be by taking the stairs tomorrow up to my office. Those three flights of stairs are usually avoided, as I don't like to start my day winded and sweating. Three stinking flights!!! Poo. They are MINE tomorrow, baby! First conquer stairs - then more. I'll let you know. I'm ready.

We get what we give.

Make it a great day.

Shoring up the river

As much as I love my subjective scale (see previous posts), I have been wishing it was a little less subjective lately . . . specifically, I have been wishing it was choosing smaller numbers! It was stuck most of the weekend (of my own doing - and not exercising), and finally started to creep a bit today - although I'm not sure if it was up or down. I choose down. So, I guess it's time for me to tighten things up, and look for areas I've let things get a little lax. A few weeks ago I was regularly measuring everything put in my mouth. Over the last week, I've been 'guesstimating' a bit more. It looks like my guesstimates might have been high.

Although I haven't stopped counting calories, I wasn't as specific as I needed to be. Ok, Ok, I get it. Pull in the reins, shore up the river, get back to basics.

Let me just pause and grab some self motivation here. In the scheme of things, I am more than 55 pounds lighter than I was at my heaviest, and the scale is going in the right direction. I deserve to be healthy, and I deserve to look good and feel confident. This is not a plateau, it is a refocus. I'm on the right path. Forging ahead. Awesome.

Make it a great day.

New School Year and Starts - but not for me!

Today both of my boys started their new school year. That used to be the time of year . . . almost like New Year's for kids . . . where you promised yourself this year would be different. You would do your homework, keep up in class, blah, blah, blah. I felt sort of liberated driving to work this morning, knowing that although the boys are making those promises to themselves, I do not have to do that! I have already made my life change, and am so happy with the choices I'm making!

It has been so motivating to have my husband along on this journey. We are actually on the SAME program for once, which is so nice. We are counting calories together. I'm still finding the balance between asking him where he is on his calorie count and not appearing to hound him. ;-) He's learning I mean well. ;-)

So, we're growing together . . . no, wait . . . we're SHRINKING together! We made good choices all weekend, other than having the extra glass of wine, which led to the extra Skinny Cow ice cream cone. Ok, in the scheme of things - that 250 calories is SO much less than we ever would have gone astray on previously, but the overage was noted and we moved on.

So, new school year does find me with a new attitude, but thankfully one that has been in place for a month now! I am calmly walking through this journey, reflecting on how I got here, and devoted to not make this change temporary. Another woo hoo for me.

Make it a great day!

Reflecting on reflecting

Today I feel a bit reflective, so bear with me. It seems that when others are going through challenges, it makes me stop and think about what they're going through and how I can learn from the experience. Another blogger I read posted some very personal challenges she is having in her weight loss journey. Although mine is going very well (this time), I am constantly pushing away my own mind demons to keep moving forward. I'm not sure if it's an 'overweight person' thing, or a 'woman thing', or a 'me thing' - but I regularly deal with those mean internal voices telling me to stop, eat what I want, I'll never make it, etc. Then I actually button my jeans, and I get another day of confidence. One thing I am trying to do on this weight loss journey is to really understand why I feel a compulsion to overeat at times, and to make bad choices.

The easy answer is because the poor choice foods often taste better! That's a cop out answer though; many of my favorite foods are healthy. Last week I said I would try to find a new mix tape for my internal tape recorder. I can't say that I've found the perfect words yet. So far, it's just been enough for me to recognize when the old tape starts playing. When I look in the mirror and hear, 'Man, is your butt fat!', I immediately tell myself, 'Your butt is getting smaller!' I know it's a long process to undue more than 20 years of self-inflicted mental abuse. That's really what it is! Hmm! Nice epiphany there.

So, if I have self-afflicted mental abuse, I will start treating myself as I would a friend who had been abused. I will start loving myself, and encouraging myself . . .

I pray for my blogger friend who is searching, but appreciate her honesty to help me reflect on my own journey. I apologize for my reflective tone today, but the insight was good for me! I hope it helps someone else find a truth for themselves as well.

Make it a great day.

Battle of the Free Office Pizza Won, Battle #2

Most people love pizza. Free pizza makes it even that much more inviting. I happen to love pizza, regardless of who's paying, but free makes it more tempting. I've written before about bypassing the free pizza day in the office. And I did it again today.

It's not that I couldn't have the pizza; it certainly would have fit into my calorie allocation. It was that I wanted to prove (again) that I have control over my choices, and can make better food choices for myself. I think my $7.50 was well spent. I got a whole wheat hoagie (I only ate half - saved half for tomorrow!) with smoked turkey, swiss, lettuce, sprouts, and mustard. I let the office buy me a free diet coke and 110 calorie pringles pack. Yay for me!

For someone reading who might not think about food all day, as I do, this accomplishment might seem trivial. For me, it's victorious. I am in control. I am the woman!!! Woo hoo!

So, that battle is over . . . on to dinner tonight. I haven't yet decided what I'm having. I was supposed to have a meeting, so I was planning on having leftover pad thai from Friday night (it's still good, right?), but now I think I should cook. I'm out of pitas. I need to start bringing recipes to the office so I can shop on my way home. Hmm. Nice challenge. I'll see what I come up with.

Make it a great day!

Broken bones but not resolve

No, I didn't break a bone. Whew. Unfortunately, my eldest son did. This is his first break, ok it's just a fracture...but he got the splint and sling. It was hard to watch him get his first medical stuff done to him. He was in great spirits though. None of it phased him (except he's bummed he'll miss football).

It made me think about my own journey. How many times have I let something minor become an excuse for me to change the plan? Had it been me that broke my arm, would I have taken that as a reason to go on a pity party eating binge? Hmm. Maybe the old me, but not now. Because there is nothing off limits, there is nothing to really 'go back' to, except more calories. Wow. That's a big statement for me. There's nothing to back to!!!! Yay, me!!!! I'll take that thought as a victory.

Make it a great day.

Blessings abound

The hubby and I spent a lovely night away . . . I jokingly said we were staying in New Orleans and eating in Paris, which we did . . . but they were both in Orlando. ;-) We had a great time, and we estimated we walked about 6 miles yesterday. That's great, because my wine tour through the Epcot countries and our dinner in France was extravagance. I was originally going to give myself some extra calories. In the end, I decided to just enjoy myself for dinner (and the wine). The DIFFERENCE was that I woke up this morning ready for my day - with calories in mind. I had had an amazing dinner, that I savored every morsel of, but that was yesterday. Today I ordered an egg white omelet with cheese. I was bummed that they put potato somethings with them. The old me would have just eaten them.

NOT THE NEW ME. I ate four or five tiny squares, decided it was too greasy and not worth the calories, and threw it away. Yes, there might be children starving in China, but I threw away food. Big step. I was so proud of myself.

I made nice choices the rest of the day too. I had my cuban chicken chop from Chicken Kitchen for lunch on our way home, and had sushi and steamed dumplings for dinner. And, the best part is that I get leftover Pad Thai tomorrow for lunch (I made it Friday). Already looking forward to that one.

I am loving my new life of control over my choices. Control over my life. Control over my body. Yay me.

Make it a great day.

Did it, and weird noodles

This one be long. I just wanted to report that even though I had allowed myself some leeway for last night's anniversary dinner, I didn't need it! We ordered from Outback, and I had everything light, no butter, etc. No worries! I even had enough calories for wine and my skinny cow ice cream cone. I know, wine isn't the best choice, but I enjoy it, so if it fits every once in a while, I'm keeping it.

I tried a couple of new things. Last night I made the Rocco brownies. I was so excited about them, at only 50 calories. They have black beans in them. They weren't bad, but they weren't anything I want to eat again. Maybe the boys will eat them. ;-). I also got my miracle noodles in the mail. No calories, fat, or carbs. I had them with pasta sauce. Um, interesting. I'll try it again before making my final vote on those.

Tonight I can't decide between my pad Thai recipe or turkey burgers, so I think I'm doing both. Morning star veggie burger for lunch. They are really good!

Wow! Just read over this blog...guess you shouldn't write while hungry either. ;-). Tomorrow we head to Orlando overnight. I'm looking forward to spending some alone time with my hubby. I'm sure we'll have some great food, but we're committed to making conscious choices. Yay, us!

Happy Friday. Make it a great day.

Blessings abound

Today is my 15th wedding anniversary to the most wonderful man . . . who is my best friend in the world, and a fantastic father to our two boys. On special days like today, it's easy to see how blessed I have been in my life.

I actually used my relationship with my husband as an excuse for ignoring any healthy eating habits I might have had before we started dating. I would tell people that we 'eat like we're on vacation all the time, because we're so happy'. Hello food addiction. I am so happy to report that we are both changing that cycle. We are committed to eating healthy and enjoying it . . . so that is our new eating on vacation (see yesterday's post for easing up a bit in 'Paris' on Saturday . . . but with plenty of walking!!!).

I have to giggle as I think about what our family ate for dinner last night. I have been cooking recipes from my new cookbook, and we needed to eat some leftovers. The boys had pita pizzas (Joseph's . . . under 200 calories). Michael, my husband, had two leftover whole-wheat-crusted baked chicken fingers on his pizza to make a faux chicken parmesan, and I had three fingers (one has parmesan, two as buffalo) with celery. We did great!!!

Even with leaving a 200 calorie cushion for a snack at the end of the night (so love the 150 calorie skinny cow ice cream cones), I have been very satisfied - and even leaving some calories on the table.

I like this journey. It feels different than the previous ones, because I have allowed myself to make them different. I allow myself the freedom to make choices throughout the day - with no restriction. What a liberation. I am doing this. It is working. I ROCK!!!!

Happy day, happy life, happy eating. As I said, I am so blessed.

Make it a great day.

Finding yummy alternates

I am a real foodie. I am one of those who can watch the Food Network all day, and not get hungry. I love thinking about food. It's no surprise that I am overweight; however, what occurred to me is that I have been loving FOOD . . . not really the TASTE of the food.

That realization has led to me to go on some sort of food journey of late. I wanted to find ways to have my favorite foods within reasonable parameters, but have healthy alternatives. I can't remember if I have already written about the Rocco DiSpirito cookbook I got. I am SO loving it! The pad thai was out of this world. Last night was buffalo chicken tenders with blue cheese dipping sauce. Yes, sauce. Yummy, yummy.

Tonight, after the boys go to bed - I'm cracking the brownie recipe with the black beans in it. I think it's going to be great. So far, my family has been fairly adventurous with me. Even the 4-year old liked the pita pizzas on Joseph's 60-calorie pita . . . and that's saying something. He is very picky about his pizza thinness and style. I considered it a win.

This weekend might pose more of a challenge. My husband and I are celebrating 15 years together. We are staying at the New Orleans resort at Disney, and have reservations in 'France' for dinner. France. Butter. Beurre. Bon. I love butter and butter sauces, and I love French wine. My husband said, "we're not worrying about dieting this weekend." My response was, "I have to worry about it. I will relax a bit, but I will be keeping calories in mind, and we will share when possible." Those were my big-girl pants speaking there, thank you (not literally). That was a big thought change. Before, I used to look for opportunities to celebrate something special so that I could indulge. That was the old me. The old mirror. The old mix tape. Not. Me. Now.

Make it a great day.

Subjective Scale

I love my scale (it drives my husband crazy!). It never gives you the same answer twice - ever. We have a two story house, and our master bathroom is a tiled floor over plywood, so there is plenty of give in the floor. If you put it in different places around the room, you get different readings. Heck, even if you keep it in the same place, you get a different reading - sometimes by as much as 10 pounds!

The scale used to bug me, when I was going to a 'formal' weight loss place where the people were going to fuss at me if I didn't perform as well as they thought I should. Yeah, I don't go there anymore. Anyway, I have made friends with the scale.

Don't get me wrong. I DON'T like the numbers it's giving me, no matter which one...I just look at it differently. I'm thinking of the scale as my mirror scale. Every time you look in the mirror, you see yourself a little differently. Some days you might like parts of what you see, some days not. The mirror is subjective. It is not absolute. It does not define who you are, only how you see yourself at that moment. The same can be said about that scale.

The numbers on that scale do not define me. I am more than a number (ok, it's weight, I wanted to say I'm less than a number, but work with me here). The numbers on the scale are just there to help me make sure I'm going in the right direction.

I'm still working on my new Mix Tape wording (see yesterday). I was thinking about that on the way to work today. Still reflecting. I'll keep you posted.

For now, may you ALL have subjective scales. :-)

Make it a great day.

Change the Tape!!!

Have you ever read something that resonated with you so strongly that you could actually HEAR the bells going off in your head as you read it??? That happened to me today. Sean Anderson (http://losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com/2010/07/day-681-mental-part-is-biggest.html) wrote about how his previous 'mental tape' - the one that we play back to ourselves all the time - was so negative. I've gone to self esteem sessions before, and I was familiar with the concept of getting in touch with that inner voice that is much crueler to you than anyone would actually be. Perhaps it was being a child of the 80's, or maybe it's because I probably even have some 'mix tapes' tucked away in the drawers, but this analogy really struck a chord with me.

My mix tape has been something along the lines of You're a fat pig. You're lazy. You'll never be the pretty one. You can't have it all. They are going to find you out! I know that some of this is the Imposter Syndrome (Google it - interesting concept), but really it is just the Mix Tape! My new mix tape wording will take some time to construct . . . I mean, come on, this one took a while to create too! I don't just want it to be a mirror opposite of what I'm currently hearing. It will be a DIFFERENT tape. I am not just taping over my mix tape. I am CHANGING the tape. I'll keep you posted on the words.

So, on to my weekend. My weekend was full of great food victories! I found some great new cookbooks, and last night I made homemade whole wheat honey sandwich bread, and my favorite - pad thai! Wait for it . . . pad thai = around 300 calories!!! Love the new Rocco DiSpirito cookbook (titled Now eat this!). He takes all the foods I crave and remakes them. Up soon - brownies that have black beans in them. Hmm. 54 calories. We'll see.

It wasn't all about seeing how many 'bad' things I could eat that were good this weekend. I really made an effort to make more healthy choices (And who am I? Wait!!! Change the tape1!!), and I've really enjoyed myself! I have also been trying to enjoy my surroundings and family as I eat! I've found I'm eating much more slowly, and getting full faster. This is FUN!!!  On the weight loss front, I am down 50 pounds from my heaviest (8 in the last 2 weeks, woohoo!).

Ok, I promise to try to create a new mix tape with more positive language . . . and I promise to try to not make it sarcastic. ;-) I don't allow others to talk to me that way, why am I allowing it of and to myself. I deserve better.

Make it a great day, and change the tape!

Being honest and having a goal

I know that one of the first steps for success in a weight loss goal is to be honest with yourself on where you really are. That means, not just wearing your bigger pants and telling yourself you're not getting heavier. Well, I am doing that. I won't say I'm comfortable enough to share my 'actual' weight here . . . let's just say I'm still over the elusive 200 - well over. My first goal is to hit 180. Why 180? Because during my last significant weight loss journey, I got into the 'one-derlands' only to freak out and sabotage myself. I couldn't get down below 195 consistently. This time I'm going to try to sail through the 90's, and back into the 80s. How fitting, since I'm such an 80's child! ;-)

I'm still dealing with those little guilt voices . . . sort of hard to ignore when you're eating ARBY'S and you're supposed to be on a diet!!! Let me just say, I haven't - to my knowledge - gone over 1500 calories per day in the nearly two weeks I've been doing this. That's huge! Since we're being honest, that includes eating from Outback, Taco Bell, Arby's, and a couple of local restaurants. It has been so exciting to learn how to eat at the places I love and make better choices.

Ok, I know, I'm probably going at this the wrong way. Most people start a diet eating at home more, and add restaurants gradually. I had to prove I could keep my crazy lifestyle and still make better choices. To tell you the truth, eating at restaurants had more comfort, because I knew what their calorie counts were versus my own recipes.

One recipe I did get right was the pita pizzas from last night. How great! I tracked down the Joseph's 60 calorie pizzas from the Walmart Neighborhood grocery, and added pizza sauce, ham, mushrooms, and mozzarella. By my calculation, it was under - or just at - 200 calories. Wow!!! When was the last time I ate a 200 calorie dinner??? Ok, I really didn't. I only made one, and I was full, so I didn't make a second. I had a toasted pita with 2 Tbls of salsa (yummo! - 70 calories!!!) and then when I made my husband his pita pizzas, I took a 1/4 of one of his. I still had room for a Skinny Cow ice cream bar. And I wasn't cheating!!! Did I say wow???

I'm not sure how to get through the guilt or self doubt that tends to keep creeping in, but I am determined to see this through. Oh! I didn't tell you . . . my 8 year old has also seen benefits! He went to the doctor 12 days ago. He weighed today and is down 5 pounds!!! Ok, 3-a-week football practice in the Florida heat hasn't hurt, but it was a victory just the same. He was so proud of himself, and I am proud too.

I was talking with Elizabeth about finding a new tag that reflects my Southern roots. If anyone has a suggestion, I'm interested!

Make it a good one.

Winning against the Office spread

We've all been there . . . you're 'trying to be good,' but it's so-and-so's birthday, so there is cake. Or, we finished a project, so we go to lunch. Or, it is Tuesday, so someone baked the cake. Whatever it is, if you work with people, chances are you work with additional food from time to time!

Today was a triple wammy. We have a large group of folks in the office for training, so we always load up on snacks and goodies at Costco. My desk is directly across from the kitchen. I face food all day. Second challenge - it was one of our attendee's birthdays, so someone baked a better-than-sex cake (you know, the one with sweetened condensed milk POURED all over it?), and then finally - the lunch. Rather than having everyone run out for lunch, we cater the training lunches. Today was pizza and salad. Yum.

It's not that I couldn't have had the pizza and salad. All things considered, I could have done pretty well with that. Here is why I didn't . . . I needed to prove that I could take control of this situation and walk away. Before the pizza was delivered, I headed off to Publix and bought fixins for pita pizza for tonight. I then went to Chicken Kitchen and got my favorite bowl (1 scoop brown rice, 1 scoop black beans, chicken, lettuce, and tomato). The pizza showed just as I was digging in. The beans are so filling I feel absolutely stuffed!!!

I got a nectarine to enjoy too, just in case I was feeling a call from the mini brownies later today, but I'm not sure I can even fit it in! Maybe in a few hours. Hmm. Wonder of wonders. Maybe I can do this!

I have also noticed that I feel thinner, even though I may not really be much thinner since this start. See yesterday for the skinny comment (still lovin that one!), but today as I was walking into Publix I noticed I felt good. I feel good. I feel thinner and more healthy. Yay me. Yay for my husband. Yay for my family. We are all winning because I am making these conscious good choices every day.

Make it a good one.

Skinny - You talkin' to me?

I saw someone today who I haven't seen for several years. I'm at least 60 pounds lighter than the last time she saw me. After talking for a while, she said, "You look skinny! Have you lost weight?" I know that it's common to comment on weight loss when you haven't seen someone, and we normally say it to be nice. The word 'skinny' was the word that got me. Skinny. Me? Is there someone behind me? Now, let me just say that I am NOT in any fashion skinny . . . I am just hardly below the plus size line still; however, the word did make me pause.

It made me proud of what I've already accomplished, and how I am moving forward to achieve new accomplishments on this food journey. I didn't tell her that I had gained back some of what I originally lost. That's not important. It also isn't important that I don't, nor would she - really, consider myself skinny. Maybe one day. I just liked the word choice today. I needed that word choice today.

It became more important as I left her to go to a meeting with an old friend and colleague. I had guessed she might suggest we go to my all-time favorite mexican restaurant. Today I made a huge shift though. Rather than just say, "If we go there, I'll just eat whatever and get back on the plan later" - I had an attack plan in mind!!! And, who am I???

I had already determined I would have two beef tacos - a la carte. Lucky me, they were on the lunch special too! I would also allow myself a reasonable number of their yummy chips and salsa. I think I ate less than 10. Perhaps right at 10. And I wasn't mad about it! I didn't feel deprived!!! I was satisfied, and happy with my choice. Happy with myself. Score one for the home team.

Not skinny yet, but I'm getting there in my mind. Thanks for the compliment, my friend.

Make it a good day.

I survived the first one!

No, not the first week (although I did that too).

I survived my first dinner prepared by my mother. Usually, I would've walked in and parked myself next to the hors d'oeuvre plate (yes, there always is one). I'm not sure if this is insecurity or just hunger - probably more of the former - but I would always eat more of the appetizers than anyone else. Of course, some of those times were because she made my 'favorite' hummus or whatever. I can't say that I really went in with a 'plan' in mind, other than to try to prepare myself to try a little of everything, but have a lot of nothing. I probably could have done without the additional glass of wine, but otherwise I'm calling it a victory!

I asked for only a bite of the dessert, and did not dip into the melted butter. Yay for me.

We have to find those small victories that keep us moving forward right? Finding ways to eat with our family is certainly one of those victory-needed areas!

I'm a bit hungry today, but trying to add more water to fill up.

Make it a good day.

Given up on the days...

Ok, as much as I would like to, there is just no way I can keep up with this blog daily - at least not right now. So, I've dropped the day designators. If I find unexpected time in the future, maybe I'll pick it back up. ;-)

Big events happened this week. I finished a project I've been working on for over a year, which felt really good. To celebrate, we brought in Outback - calories in check. The sliced fillet with wild mushroom sauce is incredible, and really sensible regarding calories. Reflecting on the week...

I made really good choices. I was amazed how liberating it felt to keep in mind that absolutely nothing is off-limits, as long as I limit the portions. I think that has been a flaw in my thinking in the past. The scale is starting to inch down, which is the right direction. I went for a walk a couple of times this week. I didn't have any huge mis-steps. And, who am I again?

Maybe this was the change I needed. Maybe I sabotaged myself just with the limitations of a traditional diet. In any case, I am not feeling deprived, and I've had no hunger headaches. Yay!

Today I started with a 100-calorie english muffin, with egg whites and a piece of low-fat cheese. Very satisfying. My eldest agreed that the flavor for the egg whites was similar to his sandwich (I did 1 egg and added egg whites to his), so he agreed to switch to whites next time. Small victory there as well. He is becoming more aware of calories along with us, and so far has been enthusiastic about making better choices. He certainly is watching us, which helps keep me on track. Not only do I want to be around for him in the future, I want to set a better example - and better relationship with food - than I have in the past.

Make it a good day.

The answer to 'Why am I still fat? It's been almost a whole week?' - Day 6

It happens every time I start to watch my diet. I do really well the first week, and I get anxious to see results! Why aren't I the size 6 overnight? Let's explore that question?

The most obvious answer is because I am no longer in middle school (the last time I can guess I was a 6 - back when I didn't know what that was). Ok, ok. The other obvious answer would be because I've spent years doing this damage, and only a week un-doing it. Hey, I did walk today!

I am struggling with my impatience today, as always, at the beginning of a journey. Perhaps I will learn to find the joy in the small things - like that I had enough energy to come home and walk, even though I slept horribly the night before. That I have stayed very close to my 1500 calorie target all week. That I am starting to change my habits.

They say that you have to do things at least 7 times to start to change a habit. I'm not sure who 'says' that - or how many times it would mean for healthy eating. Is that 7 days? Probably not. 7 weeks? 7 months? I hope it's not 7 years! I guess time will tell, and I will let you know.

For today, I continue to be surprised by the fat person staring at me in the mirror. It's not me. It will not be me anymore. I am changing...

Make it a good day.

Can't be predictable - Day 5

Today's realization came when I was getting ready to leave for work . . . deciding what to pack for lunch. It hit me suddenly that I have a propensity to find a meal I love and 'eat it to death' - meaning that if it works I will eat it every day until I'm sick of it. When I'm sick of it, I'm usually sick of the plan too, and I start deviating in the wrong way. Today's challenge will be finding those additional choices and taking that as a GOOD thing rather than a bad thing. Sure, we all love the comfort of having a ready-known meal ahead of us. It takes all of the guess-work out of it. It also takes most of the pleasure out of it.

I had a great lunch of brown rice, black beans, shredded lettuce, tomatoes, and grilled chicken yesterday. It went over so well we had the same version - plus low fat sour cream - in tortillas for dinner. I have pretty much the same for lunch today, but dinner is the unknown. I'm out there, my friends. What to have, what to have??? I'm looking at this as a good challenge. I know there is football practice tonight, so everyone will be running. Even if it's fast food, it will be a good choice. Hmm. Time to think.

Make it a great day.

Made it through the first one - Day 4

Well, I won't say it was easy - or pretty - but we made it through our first weekend on the new plan. We did REALLY well on Saturday, left to our own devices - with no other family around. It was Sunday that got us. I don't think we went totally haywire - perhaps only to 2000 calories instead of 1500 (and instead of our normal 3000-4000 or more). What is it about eating with 'family' that makes us eat more?

We controlled the meal, so that was fine. We had a wonderful BBQ salmon on the grill, baked sweet potatoes, and a salad. The slip was the befores - we had some fresh salsa and hummus; probably a few too many chips - and wine. I could probably look at some psychological issues that play into my eating more around family, but I'm choosing to look forward instead of back. My choices were better than they have been in the past, and I only have myself to answer to (or blame).

I made myself late this morning, taking the time to craft my lunch, grab a nice breakfast (I made banana nut muffins yesterday - applesauce and egg whites were fat substitutes). I'm feeling good going into our first full week. What is it they say? Onward and upward? Hmm. Maybe I should change that to Onward and Inward... ;-) Make it a great day.

How do you know? - Day 3

We're in the first weekend of the new choices . . . Does anyone else find weekends incredibly hard? I kept to my 'no cooking on Friday' rule, and we went to Outback. I'm not really sure if I went over my 1500 or not. My husband and I were both checking Web sites and apps to check calories before ordering, but it was a challenge. In the back of my mind, I'm thinking of those recent news pieces where they say calorie information is incorrect most of the time for restaurants - since it depends on the chef at the time. We did both order our meals 'light' - no butter. Sauce on the side. No blooming onion (that was hard). In the end, we decided it was our lightest Friday night meal in many months, so we cut ourselves a break. I'm going to have to do more research on the calorie counts though; every site has different info!

One of the hardest things last night was forgoing my glass (or two) of red wine. It has become a Friday night tradition. It's not that I couldn't have had one - I am definitely in a 'nothing is off-limits' frame of mind. It's that I didn't have the calories to spare. It's about 125 calories for a 5 oz. glass. I know, they are empty calories, and I should just forget about it, but I will work them in some time this weekend.

I have realized that it is very important to keep the mindset that nothing is off limits (at least, right now). I'm doing Ok with just limiting amounts, knowing that I can work something in later.

Oh...big event for us. After we got home from Outback, my husband suggested we go for a family walk. We did it!!! No one complained, and we had a nice time. We walked about a mile. It took about 1/2 hour. We weren't at a stroll, but we weren't at break-neck. But we were moving. Yay for us. Score one for the home team!

The journey ahead - Day 2

I did it! Ok, I'm taking comfort in one very small victory, but it's a victory just the same. One day at a time, right? If so, then yesterday was a victory. My goal was to eat 1500 calories. I finished up the day at 1495. Pretty good! I was actually looking for food last night - I ended up with a greek yogurt and 4 Oreo mini cookies. Not the best choice, but much better than my normal snack would have been!

I definitely have already seen how my food choices make me feel. Yesterday's lunch was awesome! One cup of brown rice, one cup of black beans, one cup of grilled chicken breast, one cup of lettuce, and one cup of tomatoes - in a bowl - with a drizzle of teriyaki sauce. Those 530 calories were worth it!!! On the run with the boys last night, I chose a Wendy's kid's meal for dinner. 370 calories and I was ready to gnaw my arm off!!!

Today already had some lessons as well. I found that if I eat, but don't follow it up with water or coffee to help fill me up, the calories seem empty no matter what they are. Hmm. I'll work more on that one.

Took my oldest son to the doctor today - he was very overweight for his age. What am I doing to him? I am his example. I am his food source. The change for me will be the change for him as well. This is all good.

It has to start somewhere ... Day 1

Ok, as you can see, I tried to begin this blog thing before - but what would I write about? Who would read it? As it turns out, I don't really care who will read it...I'm writing for my own catharsis, my own accountability. For anyone who knows me, it is evident that I have had a nearly-lifelong battle with weight. I'm sure we all deal with psychological issues, but those dealing with weight issues often handle those issues (i.e., stress, the past, the unknown, etc.) with food. It is our comfort. I hope that through this blog I can examine some of those fears, and become more accountable to myself for my choices.

There are too many insecurities for me to jump 'out there' and bare my soul just yet. Since I have found inspiration through Sean Anderson's blog (he has gone from 500 pounds and shed over 250 pounds!), it seems only fitting that on my first day of blogging, I share an excerpt from his Day 1. Perhaps I'll become more comfortable with my own words later.

I also know that losing weight and being healthy and looking good will have tremendously positive effects on every aspect of my life. I've always known that. I firmly believe that I've allowed my weight to hold me back in my career, and more importantly: It's held my family back from fully enjoying life. That's pretty big stuff. I'm writing this blog as a self-motivation tool. I need to write, I need to express my feelings and experiences, I need to continually remind myself of what I need to do and keep doing. That's what this blog is all about. If you read this blog and have a laugh or feel inspired to lose weight too, then it's all the better! But I'm doing it for me. And by doing it for me, I'm also doing it for my beautiful wife and two daughters. How important is it that I lose the weight now?

Well...every now and then I day dream a nightmare where I envision my family at my funeral. I know...it's dark! And very scary. But every time I have a little pain I wonder, is this it? Am I about to collapse? Will my funeral be Thursday?? That's very depressing and scary stuff. But when you're as big as I am, it's something that you have to think about all the time. Again, the question comes: Then why is it so hard to lose the weight?Well, it's hard because there are so many psychological factors that play a part in our daily choices. I eat because it taste good...I eat because I'm stressed out over something...I eat because "we're celebrating"...I eat because it's much easier to eat whatever you want than count calories and make healthy choices. I never exercise on purpose because it's way easier to not. But all of this must change. I convinced myself that my eating and lack of exercise was controlled by my stress level and emotions. So surely I can convince myself that despite a high stress life, I can still eat less and workout. And that's exactly how to lose weight. Eat less and work out. I don't want a surgery or a lapband or anything other than complete control of myself.

This is all about making choices. Every choice we make has a consequence...some good, some bad...Some real good, Some very, very bad. Choices and consequences, that's what it's all about.

So, today it starts...again. I'm trying not to think about the past failures, and the endless yo yos I've experienced over the last 20 years. This is today. Moving forward. A new day.